I feel as though the evolution of my phones have been a reflection of my life. I have a history of treating my phones like garbage, or there was somehow a freak accident, or I just went and bought a new one out of nowhere because I’m an impulsive bitch.
I didn’t get a cell phone until I graduated high school in 2004, so this was after the whole Nokia block phone phenomenon which everyone in high school had. My sister bought me a cell phone on her plan and prepped me for college. I got a Samsung flip phone, no camera. I thought it was the most regal thing in the world. It had an aquarium background, so bright and beautiful. This was my first cell phone in college, I BOUGHT all the ringtones, assigned ringers to certain people, I went mad crazy on the T9 texting. I thought I was so adult. I eventually evolved into a new Samsung with a camera, a little blue nugget. Pics for days. I felt proud that I bought it myself. I eventually gave that phone to a friend and she got angry at someone and threw it against a wall and it went to pieces. #ihavecoolfriends
As I got a little older, I got into some shinier shit, got up on that RAZR and slider world. This was when I was starting to morph into dropping shit all the time. I blame the booze consumption, but who knows. The fact that these phones could vibrate AND ring at the same time, I thought technology had advanced so hard. My RAZR went to my mom, and all the buttons fell off the slider phone. Which I think I gave to my dad and he held it together with a rubber band–Salvi MacGyver.
It was during this Blackberry episode of life that I went insane and literally abused my phone. Like we had a hate/hate relationship. After my slider, I went crazy over feeling fancy with a red blackberry. The little ball on the phone was so suggestive, and all my friends liked to touch it because they’re perverts. I dropped this phone in a toilet in a gay club. So you’d think it would die, but I brought that bitch back to life. The letters P and K are the only ones that worked for like a week. I dropped that phone and it broke to pieces every night I was faded. Marbs had to put it together every time. But she still held on. By the time I graduated college, the ball had fallen out and I could only really make calls and receive messages. I got a replacement phone, and then I dropped that in the toilet and it died forever.
Then I graduated, and I said HEY DAMMIT I will treat my phone better. So I got a white blackberry, because they say white is better right? White Power. That phone was my radio in the morning and as I grabbed my toothbrush, I sent that phone flying into a toilet. You see the toilet thing is a theme now? Blackberries belong in the toilet.
After the blackberry saga, I got a MyTouch…the name alone right? That one got stolen, but it was cool because it weighed 400lbs. So I got a replacement phone of an HTC Sensation. These cell phone names tho…The HTC Sensation betrayed me. I disappeared one day and it died so I couldn’t call out for an SOS. The screen NEVER turned back on. All the sound would work, but the screen was black like my soul.
In the interim, I had to use my dad’s OLD phone of a Nokia flip phone MEANING my dad had a better functioning phone. This is where I stood up, puffed out my chest and said “you know what?! Fuck this shit, TMobile it’s probably you! I hate you, you’re the worst. I’m leaving you and I’m taking the kids (my phone number).”
And so I got off that family contract, I wandered into the woods that is the mall to find a new plan and a new life. I had to take a friend because signing a contract made me want to jump out of a window…I have commitment issues. I wandered into Verizon, they treated me right, they gave me the charm and respect I was looking for. I said, WHAT THE HELL, let’s get that iPhone 5. So now I’m team blue, and I’ve taken such good care of this child (as I knock on wood). I started anew with this phone, she’s my confidant, my night partner, we’re doing great. We shall have you over for brunch soon, we’ve been wanting to entertain more. XoXo-Siri
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