Call Me Maybe

I feel as though the evolution of my phones have been a reflection of my life.  I have a history of treating my phones like garbage, or there was somehow a freak accident, or I just went and bought a new one out of nowhere because I’m an impulsive bitch.

I didn’t get a cell phone until I graduated high school in 2004, so this was after the whole Nokia block phone phenomenon which everyone in high school had.  My sister bought me a cell phone on her plan and prepped me for college.  I got a Samsung flip phone, no camera.  I thought it was the most regal thing in the world.  It had an aquarium background, so bright and beautiful.  This was my first cell phone in college, I BOUGHT all the ringtones, assigned ringers to certain people, I went mad crazy on the T9 texting.  I thought I was so adult.  I eventually evolved into a new Samsung with a camera, a little blue nugget.  Pics for days.  I felt proud that I bought it myself.  I eventually gave that phone to a friend and she got angry at someone and threw it against a wall and it went to pieces.  #ihavecoolfriends

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As I got a little older, I got into some shinier shit, got up on that RAZR and slider world.  This was when I was starting to morph into dropping shit all the time.  I blame the booze consumption, but who knows.  The fact that these phones could vibrate AND ring at the same time, I thought technology had advanced so hard.  My RAZR went to my mom, and all the buttons fell off the slider phone.  Which I think I gave to my dad and he held it together with a rubber band–Salvi MacGyver.

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It was during this Blackberry episode of life that I went insane and literally abused my phone.  Like we had a hate/hate relationship.  After my slider, I went crazy over feeling fancy with a red blackberry.  The little ball on the phone was so suggestive, and all my friends liked to touch it because they’re perverts.  I dropped this phone in a toilet in a gay club.  So you’d think it would die, but I brought that bitch back to life.  The letters P and K are the only ones that worked for like a week.  I dropped that phone and it broke to pieces every night I was faded.  Marbs had to put it together every time.  But she still held on.  By the time I graduated college, the ball had fallen out and I could only really make calls and receive messages.  I got a replacement phone, and then I dropped that in the toilet and it died forever.

Then I graduated, and I said HEY DAMMIT I will treat my phone better.  So I got a white blackberry, because they say white is better right?  White Power.  That phone was my radio in the morning and as I grabbed my toothbrush, I sent that phone flying into a toilet.  You see the toilet thing is a theme now?  Blackberries belong in the toilet.

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After the blackberry saga, I got a MyTouch…the name alone right?  That one got stolen, but it was cool because it weighed 400lbs.  So I got a replacement phone of an HTC Sensation.  These cell phone names tho…The HTC Sensation betrayed me.  I disappeared one day and it died so I couldn’t call out for an SOS.  The screen NEVER turned back on.  All the sound would work, but the screen was black like my soul.

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In the interim, I had to use my dad’s OLD phone of a Nokia flip phone MEANING my dad had a better functioning phone.  This is where I stood up, puffed out my chest and said “you know what?! Fuck this shit, TMobile it’s probably you!  I hate you, you’re the worst.  I’m leaving you and I’m taking the kids (my phone number).”

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And so I got off that family contract, I wandered into the woods that is the mall to find a new plan and a new life.  I had to take a friend because signing a contract made me want to jump out of a window…I have commitment issues.  I wandered into Verizon, they treated me right, they gave me the charm and respect I was looking for.  I said, WHAT THE HELL, let’s get that iPhone 5.  So now I’m team blue, and I’ve taken such good care of this child (as I knock on wood).  I started anew with this phone, she’s my confidant, my night partner, we’re doing great.  We shall have you over for brunch soon, we’ve been wanting to entertain more. XoXo-Siri

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