Love Me Tinder

relationshipstatus

A little confession for you all: I tried the dating app Tinder ( I know, girl, I surprised myself too). At the urging of my friends and roommates, I caved and joined the world of online dating.  It was either Tinder or adopting a cat. In my humble opinion, I feel that I still have “it” going on – I chose Tinder.

“You like what you see?”

I had originally planned to join Tinder while in San Francisco this past Labor Day weekend. Portland has become a fish bowl for me, and I was freaked out at the idea of finding people that knew me. “Look at Marbles,” they’d say, “look at how sad and thirsty she is. She should just buy a cat and call it a day.” After talking to my old roommate about his successful Tinder adventures, I got the nerve to actually try it in Portland before my trip to SF.  He had to help me via text for about an hour. I was scared of the technology and I needed him to push me over the edge. Swiping left means you’re not into the person, swiping right means you like them – Jesus take the wheel, I accidentally swiped right on so many ugly dudes!

I decided to begin my search for guys ranging ages 24-32. I live downtown, so I made my profile searchable to only those within a 7-mile radius. My initial findings were so overwhelming, my thumb hurt from swiping so much to the left. I learned quickly that I had to filter my results to get closer to what I was looking for. Here is what I quickly learned:

  • 24-year olds guys are 24-year olds guys, and they are the worst people to talk to. Switched my filter results to say 27-32.
  • Switched my 7-mile radius to now read 4-mile radius. This filters out Beaverton and Gresham folk
  • Guys still wear fedoras, and they look like gay mobsters
  • Everybody in Portland is white, and everybody in San Francisco is Asian.
  • 1 in every 4 guys has a picture of themselves as a DJ (laptop, not even turntables)
  • Christian dudes talk about Jesus in their profile and have picture of themselves with African children
  • People will post pictures of themselves with kids then write: “NOT MY KIDS” in their profile
  • Everyone has on a checkered, plaid, or picnic-table-esque shirt.
  • Guys visiting from out of town will still post pictures of themselves with their wives or girlfriends because they are terrible people
  • Guys will ask you for your height ALWAYS
  • Everybody is into hiking or fitness
  • EVERYONE is a beer snob. It’s all about craft beer. One guy told me he was a “beertender,” and meant it.
#selfie

By no means am I ready for a relationship. I have issues with commitment and my last romantic situation left me exhausted. I wasn’t wounded, but I felt tired of trying so hard in a situation that clearly did not work. It made me question myself as a person, and what I wanted for myself. In the end I came to the conclusion that I am actually a fabulous person, and if I had to validate this by putting myself in random situations with strangers, then so be it.

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How to make life better

I’m here to serve the public, or the 4 people that read this.  I like to surround myself with excellent things, and this means excellent by my broad definition.  I usually stress about everything under the sun (high five to my anxiety issues), so when I find things that are amazing for my life I cling on until I find the next best thing.  If you want a better life and I like to pretend I’m a doctor…I’ll show you what rules:

Life hack for the WIN-o (see what I did there?  #winning)

I read more Buzzfeed than assigned readings for grad school, so I know a lot.  Buzzfeed taught me that if I put cheap wine in the blender for 30 seconds it won’t taste like cheap mistakes.  It’s amazing!  Me and my BAE Sutter Home will always be my budget Sutter Homie.

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Hangover?  aka “the next day the wine rejects my body and I want to die”

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When the wine “wins” me I need help. We don’t need to go into why I drank 4 bottles of wine in my room.  I’m sure I had a great rationale as I popped open each bottle.  But since I’m not a young buck anymore, I pay the price the next day.  I have found my cocktail (meant to) for a remedy.  Alka-Seltzer and a Vitamin B-12 right when I wake up will help: headache, nauseas, body aches, etc. Unfortunately this won’t take back unfortunate drunk texts. If you can throw in a hot soup type food (e.g. Pho), even better.  If I leave my house I’ll take an extra packet of Alka-Seltzer and will give no fucks in preparing a glass of sizzle water in public.

Pillows with purpose

COMFORT REVOLUTION HYDRALUXE GEL PILLOW

I recently purchased a new bed, a real brand new bed like a grown up.  I have made every effort to really make my sleeping experience just that…an experience.  I love comfort, bedding, blankets and PILLOWS!  I splurged and bought 2 Comfort Revolution Hydraluxe Gel Memory Foam Bed Pillows.  Say what?!?!  They basically are foam cooling pillows.  They keep you nice and cool and form to your gross sleep face!  This is a plus for hangovers or hot nights.  Best purchase ever.

Get in that App

Square Cash

square_cash_app This App saves lives!  You can send/receive money for free via email or text that goes straight to your debit card.  This comes in so handy when you’re trying to split checks or if you centralize a big purchase (e.g. a trip).  Handy and easy! More info CLICK HERE

Make your face un-ugly

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1)  MAC Prep+Prime: Skin Refined Zone Treatment Soin

I don’t know what soin means, but a pretty man at the MAC counter told me this product was Uh-mazing.  So I tried it.  It basically preps your face before makeup.  It calms that T-zone down so you won’t be shining bright like a diamond all up on your forehead.  It’s great and little goes a long way!

2) MAC Mineralize Skinfinish in Soft & Gentle

Now this shine is the appropriate kind.  This skin finish is very multipurpose.  It gives off a sun kissed glow. Not a pregnancy glow! I use it on my eyes, my cheeks, and sometimes lips.  It’s a perfect shimmery gold that doesn’t scream 12 year old glitter.

3) Benefit’s Bronzer in Hoola

Hands down my favorite bronzer.  It’s matte, not too dark and chalky, and to the point.  It’s great for everyday use to look alive and that you go out into the sun. But you’re a liar, it’s makeup.

YouTube video to share

Again, Buzzfeed keeps me up at night with their million videos

Movies

Fruitvale Station

I watched this a little while back and it was beyond epic.  I have never been so captivated by a movie.  This movie left me rattled, true story and told so well. Fruitvale-Station-2013

Silver Linings Playbook

This goes into my favorite romantic category: unconventional and full of crazy.  I love Bradley Cooper in this movie…I know JLaw got all the love for this, but he did amazing. silverlinings

Music

Ty Dolla $ign’s Sign Language

Ty_Dolla_ign_Sign_Language-front-largeThis new mixtape has been in my ears for a couple weeks now. I love the entire thing. Ty Dolla $ign looks like he is in a permanent weed coma, but his voice is lovely. It’s like ratchet romance? Is that a thing? Sure. Also, I had a dream that I was in a car with him and I couldn’t see him because of all the weed smoke and I got scared we were going to wreck. But the music tho…thumbs up.

Here is a song with him and T.I.  They are informing their lover that they cannot spend the night, but they promise they won’t rush on the lovemaking.

I’m an INFJ-Deal with it

Maribel shared her ENTP-ness, so I thought I’d do the same and give you my personal prison that is an INFJ… A brief description:

I –tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations. N – tend to be more abstract than concrete.

F – tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria.

J – tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability. tumblr_n0erlfUtG41qdodqbo1_500

The good stuff:

Creative

Insightful

Inspiring and Convincing

Decisive

Determined and Passionate

Altruistic

The stuff that could drive you insane:

Sensitive

Extremely Private

Perfectionistic

Always Need to Have a Cause

Can Burn Out Easily

Me at a social gathering:

When plans are canceled:

When I make a mistake and others noticed…my internal self:

My verbal process:

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If I had a kid, I’d share the news like this:

So between being an INFJ and a Scorpio I could be perceived from the outside world as a weird quiet awkward bitch?  If that makes sense…My life, it’s adorable.

The Boss Bitch Bulletin Dictionary

Talk the talk, boo. We had something similar on I Heart Shiny Things, but of course, that was one million years ago. If you want to sit down with us over nachos and wine, you have to be down with the lingo. It’s still a lot of pop culture references mixed with English and Spanish. You will also see old words we have posted, deal with it.

Power Puerca (Noun): To nourish thyself with food until the point of asking God for forgiveness. *Puerca means pig in Spanish.  Some may be familiar with the term already. $Cruz and I used to have what we called, “Power Puerca Fridays” – which meant that we could eat WHATEVER we wanted. It’s a better and less basic way of saying, “OMG Becky, it’s my cheat day.” No, Becky, I am going to eat like a pig on steriods, so get out of my way before I eat your face off.

How to use in a sentence: “I’m going to be a power puerca when we go eat sushi. I don’t give a fuck.” 

Party Fat Ass (Noun): To nourish thyself with food during a social gathering.  I remember when this term was invented. It was New Year’s Eve and we were at a house party. A friend and I were being judged for eating food instead of drinking. In my defense, eating before drinking helped me ring in and remember the New Year. I created a maxi pad of food in my stomach for my booze to be absorbed. It’s called being, “responsible.”

How to use in a sentence: “Oh my god, I went to this networking thing after work. I couldn’t stop eating these salmon cake things. I was being a total party fat ass.” 

MC Hammer (Noun or Verb, mostly Verb): To blow thy money away.    We all know MC Hammer was 2 Legit 2 Quit. However, he was not 2 Legit with his finances. I am pretty frugal most of the time, but every once in a while, I like to be a big spender. Because any purchase over $50 makes me feel like I’m going to go bankrupt (eff you Sallie Mae), the term MC Hammer seemed fitting.

How to use in a sentence: “I know you just got your tax return. Please don’t MC Hammer it away.” 

Chones (Noun – rhymes with “bones”): Thy undergarments. *Derived from the Spanish slang term, “chonis”, which is underwear)   I don’t remember the backstory behind chones. We just butchered it for fun.

How to use in a sentence: “How can you forget to pack underwear? So you’re only working with what you have on right now? It’s like your playing game of chones.” 

 

Monkey Butt (Adjective for humor): To describe a person’s basic, lackluster, uninspired humor.  One of my old co-workers was trying to play a prank on my supervisor. He wanted to take magnets and spell, “you smell like a monkey’s butt.” I was appalled at how not funny he was and told him, “That’s not even remotely funny, say something about his mother.” Ever since then, Stefanie and I have used the term to describe unfunny people: Family Guy lovers, Dane Cook fans, and people who enjoy America’s Funniest Home Videos – especially the non-Bob Saget era.

How to use in a sentence: “So this guy and I have been texting. I can’t do it anymore. He’s so monkey butt with his jokes.”

Napkin-Twisting (verb): The reaction and anxiety one gets when witnessing someone do something cringe-worthy. Usually when watching someone make an ass out of themselves. I’m pretty sure Stefanie came up with this one. If you’ve ever experienced the feeling of crawling out of your skin as you watch friends and family make fools of themselves, usually through some sort of ‘artistic medium’, then you know what napkin-twisting is.

How to use in a sentence:  “oh my god, he made us sit there as he read his poetry out loud. I was internally napkin-twisting the whole time.” 

UNTIL NEXT TIME! 🙂

I’m an ENTP – Deal with it.

“You’re a Robot” – Most Ex-Boyfriends (2003- until I die)

“You’re Emotionally Gender-Queer.” – Anonymous Good Friend with a Mental Health Background (2013)

I haven’t posted in over six months. I’m disgusting, I know.  I’ve even taken ANOTHER San Francisco trip in between this time. My life has been like a snow globe that has been cracked open with shards of glass everywhere. I’ve steadily put the pieces together, and I haven’t felt like blogging this year. This is some real talk. God/The Universe/Oprah decided to throw me in to the ocean of uncertainty, and punctured all of my floatation devices. I survived, and in the process, I learned a lot about myself.

For instance, there has been some crying. The fact that I am admitting this is a big deal because I hate crying almost as much as vomiting. Both happen sometimes after drinking, and on a few occasions, both have happened in one night. Seeing me in tears is rare. If you order your meat rare and it’s still breathing, that’s how rare it is. After dipping my toe into my emotions and pool of tears, I realized that it’s not so bad. It’s like you’re a microwavable dinner, and you have to cut a slit into the plastic to let all the steam flow in and out once in a while.

During these past six months, I have been open to a lot of self-work and figuring myself out. I  took several online Myers Briggs Personality tests, and found out I am an ENTP. What this translates to is: I’m Extroverted, I am iNtuitive (abstract-thinker when processing info), I use my Thinking (decision-making process), and I Perceive (adaptable and keep my options open). Of course, I’m not a 100% of either of those items, but I am more inclined to be these things. Put together, I have the personality of an ENTP. Through this, I found my strengths and my weakness:

  • Innovative
  • Very creative; full of ideas
  • Excellent conversationalist
  • Enjoys debating topics with other people
  • Places a great deal of emphasis on knowledge
  • Dislike schedules and routines
  • Good at leading others
  • Does not like to be controlled
  • Very logical

I also found out several fictional characters have my personality type. Below, you can see that I don’t have the personality type of any of the beautiful and dainty Disney Princesses, but I have the personality type of Ursula, the sea witch, and Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. Willy Wonka and Urkel are in there too. I found this on Tumblr, so these are scientific facts.

Maribel’s Spirit Animals

I’d also like to add, that after extensive research, I found out that Chandler Bing from Friends is also an ENTP. I admit, this makes sense because I make jokes when I’m nervous. I can also talk to a wall if I have no one else to talk to. Could I be anymore amazing?

The last time I took the test, it revealed something very interesting: I am on the fence of Feeling vs. Thinking. It means that I now consider my feelings when making decisions. Me. Feelings. Can you believe that? I certainly can’t. I used to get confused between my gut-feelings and nausea, now I get it. My goal is to access and assess my feelings. To “go with it” – even if that means I jump into things with my eyes closed and use any ounce of trust to believe I won’t die. I’m tired of being logical and using my brain. My heart is thawing out, and the icy exterior is melting rapidly. Blame it on global warming because this is an inconvenient truth. Damn you, Al Gore.

Even when I’m trying to be serious, I end with a joke…oh well.

 

 

The Power of the Bestie

People throw around the word “best friend” left and right, but what exactly defines a “ride or die homie”?   I know what it means for me.  Now that I’m getting older (there is proof of this because I recently purchased an under eye cream), I now understand the basic elements that make a great friend.  I’ve been in plenty of the classic type of friendships: the frenemies, the one-sided friendships, the “let’s hangout” but never do friends, the friend that will drop you the minute “man pleasure” is on the table.  So tons…

To the late night chats!  To the drunken messy nights! To the silence that is not awkward!  To the no judgement eating sessions! To call them out on their shit!  To telling them how they really look in that outfit…it’s all cuz we’re homies.

Me and my lady friend (the co-founder of The BBB) have gone through a lot, we don’t like to label anything but we’ve declared our bestie love…Even more so cuz I left the state and broke up our shared duplex family.  But proximity isn’t the only thing needed to be friends.

I have taken 4 famous BFFs to really articulate what it means to be a best friend…

1. Cory Mathews and Shawn Hunter (Boy Meets World)

These two have the classic element of “balance”.  Cory was a super anxious “good guy”, whereas Shawn was the kinda orphan “bad boy.”  He wore a flannel around the waist like a juvenile boss.  The best part of their friendship for me was that Cory always was family to Shawn.  Shawn later had hottie Matthew Lawrence, but still Cory and Shawn were hermanos.

2. Illana and Abby (Broad City)

I’m obsessed with this show.  If you know what’s good for you, you’ll find all the episodes and devour them.  Illana and Abby give a refreshing look at female friendships for folks in their 20’s.  Illana is a bit of the crazy impulsive one, whereas Abby is the more practical “responsible” one.  All in all they have each others back and really champion one another.  I think a hazardous thing in “friendships” is competitiveness.  Why is it so difficult to support one another??

3. Daria and Jane

What I love about this duo is their “keeping it real” delivery coated in large amounts of sarcasm.  This is the only language I’m really fluent in, not so much English and even less Spanish.  I feel that together their power only increases, I feel as though this is the same feeling folks get when Marb$ and I are in the same place at the same time.  Our power together delivers tons of bitch face and sassy comments when you say something stupid.

4. Liz Parker and Maria DeLuca (Roswell)

In the “courting” years, Marb$ and I discovered that we were the same 8th grade dorks that were obsessed with Roswell.  I should have known from that moment we were gonna be hetero life partners.  When I was a middle schooler, Liz and Maria were not only the epitome of besties, but they were fashion icons for the time (1999-ish)!  I want to rock a choker!!  But I’ll look like I’m dying. The element of their relationship I always loved was their need to always spill secrets to one another.  I mean they held the epic secret of ALIENS.  If you have a secret…isn’t it fun to tell your bestie? Especially boy drama.

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What’s your DREAM?!

The older I get, the more I realize how much my “things I want” have changed.  When a person is younger you have these wide-eyed larger than life ideas that you think are so amazing and so attainable.

I thought I’d take a look at my WANTS as a 28 year old, as opposed to 18-ish

Career

18: I’m gonna have one by 23 and be making BANK!  Not sure what it is yet, but I’m gonna be a woman about town with such fucking class.  Drinking mojitos and shit.  Buyin what I want!

28: I’m going to school to be a Marriage and Family Therapist, a draining but solid career.  But right now I’m a grown adult-baby hybrid being supported by even more shitty loans…So career is “in progress.”

Me speaking to life:

Vacation style

18: Let’s rent a beach house and fill it with a billion people I semi-know and par-tee!  I’ve seen a lot of movies so this works out great!

28: Anywhere I can lounge by some sun and have some drinks in silence.  It’s gotta be cheap and preferably with one or 2 other people.  I need peace. Maybe an ice mask?!  I heard Palm Springs has a great senior citizen scene…

Romantic situation

18: A guy who is sensitive, but not too much of a push over.  A total artist but doesn’t even know it.  He is broody and complicated.  He reads but plays the guitar.  He goes to the gym but isn’t a gym rat.  He loves his mom.  He is 6’3″.  He has dark hair.  He is born between the months of August and December.  He can speak 3 languages, etc. Or just Pacey Witter.

28: All you need to have is a job that provides some sort of pay stub, a car, your own place, and a pulse.  And don’t be a liar.

A Friday night

18: A concert where I stand up the entire time, all for the love of music.  Surrounded by tons of people who love the same artists I do.  This is so CITY.

28: Alone in my room with Netflix, a burrito, and an entire family size wine…things are about to get scandalous and real.