A little confession for you all: I tried the dating app Tinder ( I know, girl, I surprised myself too). At the urging of my friends and roommates, I caved and joined the world of online dating. It was either Tinder or adopting a cat. In my humble opinion, I feel that I still have “it” going on – I chose Tinder.
I had originally planned to join Tinder while in San Francisco this past Labor Day weekend. Portland has become a fish bowl for me, and I was freaked out at the idea of finding people that knew me. “Look at Marbles,” they’d say, “look at how sad and thirsty she is. She should just buy a cat and call it a day.” After talking to my old roommate about his successful Tinder adventures, I got the nerve to actually try it in Portland before my trip to SF. He had to help me via text for about an hour. I was scared of the technology and I needed him to push me over the edge. Swiping left means you’re not into the person, swiping right means you like them – Jesus take the wheel, I accidentally swiped right on so many ugly dudes!
I decided to begin my search for guys ranging ages 24-32. I live downtown, so I made my profile searchable to only those within a 7-mile radius. My initial findings were so overwhelming, my thumb hurt from swiping so much to the left. I learned quickly that I had to filter my results to get closer to what I was looking for. Here is what I quickly learned:
- 24-year olds guys are 24-year olds guys, and they are the worst people to talk to. Switched my filter results to say 27-32.
- Switched my 7-mile radius to now read 4-mile radius. This filters out Beaverton and Gresham folk
- Guys still wear fedoras, and they look like gay mobsters
- Everybody in Portland is white, and everybody in San Francisco is Asian.
- 1 in every 4 guys has a picture of themselves as a DJ (laptop, not even turntables)
- Christian dudes talk about Jesus in their profile and have picture of themselves with African children
- People will post pictures of themselves with kids then write: “NOT MY KIDS” in their profile
- Everyone has on a checkered, plaid, or picnic-table-esque shirt.
- Guys visiting from out of town will still post pictures of themselves with their wives or girlfriends because they are terrible people
- Guys will ask you for your height ALWAYS
- Everybody is into hiking or fitness
- EVERYONE is a beer snob. It’s all about craft beer. One guy told me he was a “beertender,” and meant it.
By no means am I ready for a relationship. I have issues with commitment and my last romantic situation left me exhausted. I wasn’t wounded, but I felt tired of trying so hard in a situation that clearly did not work. It made me question myself as a person, and what I wanted for myself. In the end I came to the conclusion that I am actually a fabulous person, and if I had to validate this by putting myself in random situations with strangers, then so be it.