Twerking 9-5: Work Culture Observations

Since graduating with my bachelor’s degree in 2009, I have held various positions in different organizations. Each agency operates differently of course, but I have found that the way people act at work seems to be the same. Part of me is amused because I enjoy people-watching, but another part of me really wants to crawl out of my skin. I have found that a 9-5 schedule is inconvenient with the way I function, and that it makes me feel like I’m Houdini trying to unshackle himself from a straight-jacket. Boss bitches aren’t made for the 9-5, but until I find the formula to my dilemma (either a rich old man, or a legit sex tape), I have to endure societies expectations if I want to survive. Medical insurance is fabulous, so I want to upkeep this lifestyle I have been accustomed to.  Below are some of my observations that I have made while being a career girl:

People Lose Their Shit Over Food

I’m the asshole that always forgets to bring shit to a potluck. At my very best, I’ll go to the grocery store the morning of a work event with food. To make it worse, I’ll bring chips or some other basic shit. I salute the people who are thoughtful Martha Stewart types. The ladies that make  brownies filled with caramel and love, or the ones that whip up grandma’s recipe for chocolate chip cookies, these people are my heroes. At my current job, food is almost a sure thing. Once, I forgot to eat breakfast, and I secretly wished someone would bring donuts. I concentrated all of my energy on this wish, and it came true. I walked in and someone had bought an array of donuts just because. It wasn’t a holiday, there were no birthdays, just because. Fuck, yeah.

There will be that one person who will not like you. No matter what you do.

Maribel is a people pleaser. I used to win the “Best Helper” award at my elementary school many times. My pet peeve is when people don’t like me, and the vibe is off when I communicate with them. I wonder if this happens to everyone, I really hope it doesn’t just happen to me. It makes me feel like I may have done something in a past life to these people who don’t like me. Did I steal their man? Did I burn their village down? I have no idea. The older I have gotten, the less fucks I have to give.  Don’t like me? Do you, boo. 

Shade. So much Shade. People always trying to make you look stupid

People throw hella shade at work. Hella. It’s a hotbed for passive aggressiveness, as well as a place where people get off on being “superior.” The latter is the reason I hate asking questions at work. People get off on the most insignificant things. It’s like: “Thanks for explaining the cleaning schedule and the chores I forgot to do in the most condescending tone. I didn’t realize the world would end if I forgot to wipe off the counters. Please punch me in the face, because I deserve it for being so stupid in comparison to you.”

Signing birthday cards or “pitching in” for a cake for someone you don’t like or barely know

I always feel so awkward signing cards saying “best wishes” or “so sorry for your loss” for people I can’t even put a face to. One of my friends from college always writes a standard message for birthdays on Facebook: “Happy Birthday!!!” He gives only three exclamation points, no more, no less. I have taken his message (is this copyright infringement?) and used it on many cards over the past couple of years. Three exclamation points says: “I’m excited for you! But not too excited. Just right.

 

That Lady with her dog/cat/and/or Both

There is always a lady at work obsessed with her dog or her cat. It’s like the kid that wears a wizard cape to school. Every school has one of those kids, just like every work staff has this lady. I understand the importance of pets, and they can be cute, I admit this. But some people just go too far. They go into great detail when their animals are sick–to the point where I get sick. I don’t need to know about the type of stool your dog had after eating play-dough. Get it together.

The Lady with the Husband/Serious Boyfriend

You’ll recognize her. She talks incessantly about the house they just bought, or the vineyard trip they took together in Napa. She talks about eating pizza and watching “their shows” while wearing matching Snuggies. My favorite is when they talk about having children, and “trying.” I don’t need to overhear a conversation about “trying” to have kids while I heat up my lunch in the break room. The last thing I want to imagine is people “trying” while I eat.

 

I’m sure there are other gems I haven’t listed, but for now, this is my list. As you can see, I silently judge others while I make money. My resume doesn’t lie, I’m great at multi-tasking.

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