As a self-identified perfectionist, I get pretty down on myself when I do not live up to my own standards. The older I get, the more I realize I am being stupid for caring so much. My goal is to be like the grandpa at family reunions. The kind of grandpa that sits in the corner of the room observing everyone and will occasionally yell out racist things, or tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. Everyone is just like, “Oh Grandpa, he thinks it’s still 1960. LOL.” Old people give no fucks because they’ve lived through so much. They realize they don’t have much time on this earth, so they keep it really real. Until then, I’m creating a list of self-esteem boosters; things that will help remind me that I’m a boss bitch.
- Wear lots of gold jewelry, red lipstick, and sunglasses at the same time. The bigger the earrings, the more I feel like a fabulous peacock. When I was studying communication, I learned that when a person wears sunglasses, they are saying, “bitch, you don’t need to see my emotions or facial expressions.” Sunglasses imply a sense of control and mystery, which is a glamorous quality. The more you look like Walter Mercado’s closet threw up on you, the better.
- Sing in your car – Personally, I’m a fan of Selena or Mariah Carey when I am feeling blue. I’m not the best singer in the world, but sometimes it’s cathartic.
- Visit your local Wal-Mart – Now, I know you’re thinking that I mean retail therapy, but you are wrong. Go to Wal-Mart, lurk through the aisles, and observe the type of individuals that go there. Just do it. Portland really hates on Wal-Mart, so there is ONE store located within city limits. Extra points if you go to the Wal-Mart in your hometown and run into idiots from high school. However, going to the People of Wal-Mart website should suffice.
- Facebook lurking on people from high school. Nothing is more gratifying than seeing the terrible life choices people from my high school have made. There was this one fool I really liked when I was about 15 years old, and he played with my emotions. Now, he looks like he ATE his former high school self, and is pregnant in his chin. It looks like his neck is expecting triplets. I’m not fat-shaming by any means. If it were anyone else I’d say, “own your curves, girl.” However, he was a dick, so he deserves my judgmental wrath. Some other things I like to see on Facebook:
- The really mean girls aging like leather handbags.
- The husbands of the mean girls because they are usually bald and permanently red in the face. It looks like they married young Santa Claus’.
- The ugly tattoos they choose for themselves.
- My favorite: When they say things like, “I live in Portland,” or, “LOL #PartyinginPortlandia” and Facebook says they updated from the suburb of Tigard, OR. Lies!
- Look through old yearbooks and ID cards- I looked like a chubby Punky Brewster with glasses in middle school. True story. I also say I looked like Harry Potter’s really butch sister. This is an even truer story. I own this. I’ve definitely come a long way post-braces and glasses.
- Ask your Mom if she thinks you’re pretty- The answer is always yes.
- Instagram Filters- Gimme all the filters! Smoke and Mirrors! Instagram filters took the selfie Myspace pic to a whole new level.
- Walk-by a Latino nightclub, or during salsa night at some other venue- There will always be the gaggle of men with half-buttoned shirts, ripped flared jeans, and chains for days. Of course I wouldn’t let one of these dudes get at me, but sometimes it’s nice to hear you are pretty. Things that may be said:
- Ey, ey, ey chula.
- *kissing noises*
- Hola Guapa
- Quieres bailar conmigo?
- Go to Sephora- Try on all of their expensive makeup until they kick you out. This is America, and you will try on that YSL lipstick if you want to.
- Read about your astrological makeup– Who doesn’t like to read about their strengths and what makes them amazing? Astrology is self-indulgent because everyone likes to hear about themselves. I suggest getting a free birth chart reading at www.astro.com and for further reading www.cafeastrology.com. AND! astrology zone for your forecast for that month! 🙂
In all seriousness, remember there is always a silver lining, and count your blessings and accomplishments. They matter!