My relationship with Facebook has been a long and tumultuous one. I was there when Facebook was an exclusive gated community meant for college students only. If you weren’t part of the proper “networks”, you couldn’t see your old high school classmates gain the freshman fifteen and dabble in binge drinking. Now, Facebook is open to everyone and is a vibrant hodgepodge of all types of individuals. To be honest, some people’s behavior on Facebook is exhausting! You follow people through their pregnancies, their engagements, break-ups, weight-loss endeavors, you name it! It’s all there! Below, I will outline the types of things people choose to share on Facebook, and what they are really trying communicate to the world.
- Self-Portraits: Now, we’ve all engaged in this. Before Facebook, there was the MySpace. At MySpace university, I took various classes on the art of the self-portrait. Everything must be on point: location, makeup, lighting, pose, the caption. You have to juggle all of these things all while trying to make it look effortless. Here are some typical portraits you may encounter in 2013 on Facebook:
- The Car Self-Portrait: It is illegal to text in the state of Oregon, but it’s not illegal to take a picture of yourself while you are at a stop? It should be. This car self-portrait says to the world: “Today, I felt I looked fierce. I want to capture this moment quickly since I am always on the go. Look at me, I have a life! I may be going to work, school, a friends house, you don’t know. I shouldn’t be on the phone right now, but fuck da police.”
- Mirror Self-Portraits: The mirror portrait is everywhere. If you don’t have one, then you are like the weirdo who still doesn’t have a cell phone today. It’s that common, get with the program. I’m pretty guilty of it myself. A lot of the time, I like to show my outfits using the mirror or show off my phone case. Guilty. I own this.
- No-Makeup/Morning Self-Portrait: These are probably the most annoying to me. Girl, you did not roll out of bed like that. Your eyelashes are naturally that curly and dark? The light just happens to reflect off of your lips that are not wearing lipgloss. Right.
- Weather updates- I don’t need updates on the weather. I can look outside for myself. Thanks. Oh what’s that? You’re complaining about the rain? You live in Portland, OR. It rains 9 months out of the year. Don’t act brand new, you knew what you signed up for by living here.
- Girls Night Out! At about 5pm on a Friday, you’ll start seeing the status updates that look a little something like this: “Oh my god! Finally the work day is over! Can’t wait to hang with my girlies tonight! #girlsnight #noboyfriends #singlegirls #ontheprowl” Then there’s the update with the visuals with the actual drinks and girl-on-girl hugging. The message they are trying to convey: “I’m an independent career gal and I want to let loose. My lady friends and I are the neo-Sex and City. I’m such a Carrie it’s not even funny. My bestie that goes home with dudes after one too many appletinis is such a Samantha.” Sure. Whatever you say, girl. “Girls Night” for me usually involves drinking lots of clear alcohol, talking to random strangers and accidentally giving out my real phone number, hopping from one venue to another, and my friends trying to round up the troops because one person has become ravenous with hunger. A plate of nachos is usually the highlight of my night. No regrets!
- “Doin’ Me” Status Update. The funny part is, I see mostly guys posting these after a break-up. They always swear they’re going to hit the gym harder, eat right, and just, “do them.” It always goes something like this: “Been through too much drama. I don’t have time for that in my life right now. I’m just concentrating on doin’ me.” Usually this translates into: “Ladies, I’m single, I just broke up with this crazy bitch that put me through an emotional ringer. Text me.” My favorite updates are the ones where the guy is getting ready to go out. That shit is comedy: “Fuck it, it’s Friday. Got the homies rollin’ through and we’re about to pop some bottles! #doinme” Oh you poor wounded soul. We all know you’re still friends with your ex-girlfriend and you want her to see the update so she reads between the lines. What you are really trying to say is: “I am single. This is real. I want you to know that I could potentially bring home a lady friend. We may drink a lot and engage in intercourse, or some mouth love–it’s a possibility! My friends are going to be my wingmen. I’m still a hot commodity. Be jealous. Text me” But we all know he will end the night very drunk, sweaty, and alone. The last text will go to his ex-girlfriend: “I still love you, I’m done doin’ me.”
- The Gym Check-in. Lord, the gym check-in. We get it, you are working on your fitness just like Fergalicious. I’m a fat ass on the computer, you are on your mobile phone at 24- hour fitness bouncing around on a treadmill. You’re disciplined, congratulations. This check-in is by far the most transparent. Checking in to 24-hour fitness is like the online version of wearing black– you want to appear skinny. I can think of one particular individual that checks in to 24-hour fitness almost every day. I’ve seen him in person and I expect to see abs I can wash my clothes on, but no, he looks the same! He probably drives-by 24-hour, parks, and checks-in. This guy always updates with: “getting my work out in! Beast mode!’ Maybe he’s going hard in his water aerobics class or trying his best at gentle yoga. Child pose like a boss! I want to tell that guy one thing: “Boo, own those curves. Quit sucking it in via Facebook.”
There you have it! A short and comprehensive list to Facebook behavior. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope next time you all log-in you pay attention to the things people are REALLY saying.